Tag Archives: moving forward

The conundrum of comparison – why it’s best to stand on your own two feet

BOOK UPDATE!

Yep, I’m working on my very first book! I’m not yet ready to share the title with you, but I can say that it’s full of mindful tips to live even better. Sign up to my email updates to receive regular newsletters and updates on the progress of my writing!

 

I begin this post reflecting on my recent travel to Bali. As I met fellow travellers or overheard tales of exotic journeys, lavish accommodations, and tales of endless exciting locations to explore, I found myself attempting to match (or go one better) their stories with my own, since I didn’t want to feel insignificant or be left out.

I was comparing myself to others.

Now, as I adjust to life back in Australia, I notice that this doesn’t just apply to travel. I observe many others, and find myself on the odd occasion, falling into the trap of the destructive tendency to compare with others. It seems I’m not alone in this observation, as I recently received an email update from Leo Babauta with his post on comparison.

Yes, comparison is a conundrum that affects the best of us.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the old saying “it’s like comparing apples with oranges”. Think about it. You can’t. They’re two totally different fruits. It just doesn’t work, so how can we compare ourselves to other, totally different, and wonderfully unique people?

You can’t. Logically, we all know that. Let the apple and the orange be a prime example of this.

Why do we continue to compare to others, and why is it a good habit to learn the art of inner contentment?

Why we dare to compare

Comparison is a useful tool. We use it in our daily lives to assist in assessment of our options, and with great affect. After all, how do we know if we’re getting the best deal on peanut butter unless we have something else to compare to?

Peanut butter references aside, comparison is a tool used daily by each and every one of us – in both a positive and a negative sense.

Used to evaluate material objects (such as peanut butter), comparison can be of benefit and enable us to make a decision and move forward, rather than procrastinate and become stuck.

It’s when comparison is used on an emotional level that things can go pear-shaped, and it’s this form of comparison which I shall cover more in this post.

In the past, I have found myself using comparison in the following ways:

  • Social status/ranking – In the instance of travel, it’s easy to listen to other tales of exciting travels and become jealous, envious, and resentful towards the other person. I have experienced this first hand many times. The person storytelling has done nothing wrong, yet I found myself breeding resentment and negativity which was fuelled by jealousy of their tales! I would hence feel obliged to intercept their tale and begin my own story, attempting to gain admiration and respect of others in the group and the person with whom my conversation was centred. Those of you who’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People will know that behaviour such as this is no way to go about it. Rather than curing myself of my discontentment, my rude interruption and generation of competition will likely create resentment, anger, disinterest, and a loss of respect from the person I’m conversing with. Comparison is a conversation killer – everyone appreciates a listening ear, and nobody likes being interrupted. Talking over others and stealing conversation isn’t polite. That’s a universal fact.
  • Feeling of importance – Similar to obtaining a higher status in a social circle, comparison can easily be used to generate an air of importance about yourself when, in truth, there’s nothing (and nobody) you are able to compare to. Sill, we try, fail, and try again – it’s what we’re trained to do by pop culture and media. Images of beautiful models, ripped abdominals, and fast, luxurious cars – these are all enticing us to want more, to dream more, and to compare with what we don’t have. Yes, it’s important to dream big and reach for the stars, as it’s how we grow. However, it’s also wise to recognize that your dreams are not the dreams of others. Build dreams around you and what you desire and what you aspire to. There’s no need to aspire to be the next Brad Pitt. Your journey will generate negativity and resentment of yourself if you do, since you will struggle to model this ideal picture of yourself (which by the way is not real, but rather a an image portrayed by the media).
  • Make ourselves feel better – Sometimes, there is no better reason to compare to others, other than to make us feel better. Ever get bullied when you were younger? Chances are the bully was trying to prove something. He (or she) was trying to make you feel insignificant by making a comparison of your (over-animated) situation to either themselves or another popular, significant figure at the time (e.g. the popular student). This can be used in the most peculiar ways. For instance, I remember being bullied when I was young for being ‘rich’, because I received a motorcycle for Christmas. This was upsetting for me, as my family was nothing of the sort, and I didn’t think highly of the label ‘rich’ at the time. The bully was getting the upper hand by using a comparison fuelled by jealousy. Did he feel better for doing so? Unlikely, especially in the long term.

In all situations, there’s no advantage in making comparison to others. It’s a dangerous game – one that will see you lose more than you ever thought you could gain.

Stand tall – how to avoid comparison cutting you short

Comparison is everywhere. It’s both useful and harmful to our being, depending on how you use it.

How can you step aside and control the urge to compare?

  • Practice active listening – Stop, appreciate, and recognize it’s not yet your turn. Got constructive feedback? Mid conversation isn’t the right time. Practice the habit of waiting until the speaker has finished. This will give you time to think over your well-scripted response to the person whom your attention is devoted, and will allow the complete transmittal of facts that you otherwise would have interrupted. I’m guilty for finishing the sentences of those I listen to, as I assume I know the answer to the topic which is spoken. Quite often, I’m proven wrong. It’s annoying to be interrupted, and the same goes for instances of comparison to others in conversation. Whether it be a direct interruption or a change of direction in the conversation, the result is the same. Learn to sit and listen to the whole story before telling yours.
  • Get curious – Recognize and note the wisdom you’re blessed to be hearing! If jealousy or resentment begin to rear their ugly heads, take a breath and remember to appreciate the time this person is taking to provide you with valuable knowledge you didn’t know before. Open your mind to the possibility that your attention to this person may lead to a higher understanding, new knowledge, and new friendships that excel your journey forward on new and exciting paths. There’s growth to be found in the journeys of others, not in the comparison with your own. Use the knowledge and apply it if it fits.
  • Recognise you’re on another journey – Everywhere you look, it’s possible to encounter something bigger, something better, something more. Your best friend buys your dream car. Your younger sibling marries and has children before you do. Your Facebook feed is rich with vagabonding travellers’ tales. The instances to make comparison are endless, and it’s easy to find yourself wanting the join the journey of others. If that’s the case, step back and ask yourself if it’s really what you want, or is it what you’re expected to want. It’s easy to become wrapped up in pressures society has constructed – you know, the whole get educated, get a job, get married, have kids, buy a house…. – and lose track of who you are and what you value most. Put these feelings of lust aside and remind yourself of the unique and wonderfully you journey that you’ve created for yourself.

Above all, it’s best to appreciate and be thankful for the exposure to the new and interesting ideas which have graced your awareness, and which you may use to shape your own future. Acknowledge, store the useful stuff, dispel lingering thoughts, then focus on the here and now. Dwelling on instantaneous emotions and future desires fuelled by comparison is counterproductive to your being, so take note and move on swiftly.

There’s bigger fish to fry.

 

I write here about comparison since it has affected, and continues to affect my life (much less nowadays thankfully) on a regular basis. As I pursue a path less travelled with my passion by writing to you here, it’s easy to be ridiculed by others close to you, and yearn for a stable career with an income to support a comfortable life. After realizing my values and working more on my passion, I now know it’s not what I want, so mu strength to fight against comparison is much stronger. 

Have you been affected by comparison? How have you tackled it? Let me know in the comments below!

Thanks for reading my work. I apologize it has been so long between posts. My recovery from travel and some unforeseen personal matters created a slight bum in my progress, but I’m getting back on track now!

Remember, if you like what you read here, please share with your friends on social media. The more people I can inspire, the happier I’ll be.

Until next time, be mindful…

Jason

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No job, no home, and no plans. 3 life qualities needed to action a life changing decision

Personal Development, , , , ,

Success through the development of qualities

Never regret anything in life, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.

I’m back!

It’s been a big couple of weeks since I last wrote, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I’ve just settled into a new (albeit temporary) home, living with my parents, in a small country town in Victoria, Australia. As I adjust to a new environment, MUCH colder temperatures, and a new “routine”, I am happy to say that my urge to write for all of you continues to burn hot and fierce.

So, what’ been happening?

To summarise: I quit my job, moved across the country, and met an amazing girl.

Let me elaborate.

July 18 was the final day at my desk job. It’s been a work in progress for over 2 years now, and I’m glad to say that I’m well into a transition – a transition to a happier, and a whole new me. I knew from the second year of my four year university degree, that my choice of occupation (Mechanical Engineering) was ‘not my cup of tea’. I’ve tried many avenues, and have decided that, for the moment, we are not a match meant to be.

Many people ask my “why?”, to which I respond “why not?”. Some people see my situation as a lost opportunity – leaving a stable, well paying career – whereas I see many, many opportunities to be gained. Besides, I have the safety net of a degree, so now it’s time to be adventurous, be daring, and begin my journey according to my own terms.

After 6 years searching with an outdated map, it’s time to go shopping….

I quit my job, packed my bags, shoved life into my tiny VW Polo, and headed south towards new opportunity, inspiring friends, and a foreign land to explore. I’ve been in my element – totally immersed and enjoying the sites, sounds, and simplicity of life on the road. As the powers that be would have it, I met an amazing girl along the way. Another exciting bend in the road awaiting the navigational prowess of this race-car driver! It’s been a blast!

Life inside a VW Polo

My life – it fits inside a VW Polo!

It’s not all been smooth sailing though. It’s been a tough mental battle to make it this far, as there are no shortage of people questioning my motives. The ensuing negative, damaging self-talk is therefore less than productive towards my overall desire to be free and search for my true calling.

In comes this post.

Fast forward to now. My previous journey has ended, and a new one has begun. It didn’t happen naturally. Oh no. It’s not like Santa came and just handed me money, freedom, and a gold plated chocolate egg to make me feel good. I attribute my recent actions to certain qualities that I’ve developed and have been nurturing over the past 2 years. It’s taken a lot of work, and I’m sure it’ll take lots of work for you too (should you decide to action a life-changing decision of your own).

That said, I believe the first step is awareness.

I’ve made some pretty radical changes, and I want to help you do it too. I was able to do it because I recognised the power of the following 3 qualities in myself and my surroundings. I’m confident that if you recognise them, you’ll be well on your way to some awesome life-changing adventure too.

Let’s begin.

3 qualities to action life-changing decisions

Want to implement some life-changing decisions for yourself? I recommend starting with the following 3 qualities. They’ll naturally progress as you grow, so it’s a great place to start planting your seeds.

1. The right support

I’ve talked about it many times before, and I’ll say it again.

You’ve gotta select the right people to support you!

Remember this quote?

You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

~Jim Rohn

In no way is this more important than when it comes to fulfilling your dreams, desires, and goals of change.

If you’ve ever tried it, you’ll know what I mean when I say it’s hard to go at it alone. The world is a big, scary place when confronted as one.

As a wise proverb states, a problem shared is a problem halved.

If you’re stuck and don’t have any inspiration, make this your number one priority. Get out there, do what you love to do, and connect with like-minded people. Your spirit, enthusiasm, and progress towards your goals will accelerate beyond imagination!

2. You just gotta have faith

George Michael said it right. Sometimes, you’ve gotta have faith.

Some people believe in fate, some in coincidence, some in destiny. None are incorrect. All have their place in this world as they ‘work’ for different people.

Above all of these, I’m certain that to do better, you need to go further.

To succeed, you must learn to nurture the quality and the belief of faith in yourself.

Faith –  confidence or trust in a person, thing, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion. It can also be defined as belief that is not based on proof, and is often used as a synonym for hope, trust, or belief.~Wikipedia

You don’t need to believe in a ‘higher power’ for miracles to happen. There are miracles awaiting your discovery inside of you!

When times get tough and what you do seems silly, unrealistic, or impossible, these are the times to call on your quality of faith to inspire you. Remind yourself that all the ‘miracles’ of the past (think electricity, man landing on the moon, the invention of the modern computer for example) were created by people just like you. The thing is, they had mastered an important ability.

Successful people have a mastered ability to have faith in their actions, their judgement, and in what they stand for.

3. All talk and no action won’t get you far. Get motivated

There is never a result without decisive action!

I’m sure you’ll have seen it before. There’s no shortage of people that sit and complain about the state of ‘X’ or the annoyance of person ‘Y’, and that’s as far as they get…

Complain, foster resentment and anger, and complain even more.

Talk with no action is likely to lead to a cycle of doubt, a loss of faith, and the development of subsequent negative though patterns which, as I’ve discussed before in a previous post, are damaging to your ability to be better.

Sure I get it, action is scary.

What’s scarier though – Acting with the possibility of success, or stalling with a guarantee of failure?

It’s up to you. Take action, the rest will follow.

There you have it. It’s a snippet of how I arrived to writing this post, and what it took for my ship to sail this far. It’s a big, long winded journey, and one I am excited to be sailing under the power of my own sail.

Have you got an idea to change life and don’t know how to start? I suggest you start with these important qualities discussed in this post that will give you strength and guidance on your journey.

  1. Selection of the right support network,
  2. Faith in your abilities, and
  3. Action on your plans. 

I’ve found them most helpful on my journey, and I hope they prove helpful to you too.

 

 

3 reasons it’s good to celebrate little wins and focus on what matters

Personal Development, , , , ,

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

– Buddah

Welcome back to my dedicated readers, and a big Aussie G’day to those newcomers that have landed here through Facebook and Twitter.

How has your week been?

It’s been a huge week for me. So much has happened it puts my head into a spin.

I’ve made real progress in selling my property (which I touched on in my post about regret), I made big progress toward my new project (more info soon), and I may have landed a casual job in a coffee shop.

Things are in my favour. Life looks great, right?

Looks can be deceiving.

It’s strange how the human mind works. So many things that I have been dreaming of happening I find are coming to action, and I’m not happy, I’m not elated, I’m not celebrating.

I’m focusing on the struggles ahead, the work still to be done, the long, windy road.

I’m focusing on the challenges in a negative way.

It affected me so much, I just had to share it with you.

This post is a fix of positivity for your day. I want to highlight how the weeks’ important life developments have caused me to be overcome with negativity, my top reasons that celebrating little wins in times like this is so valuable, and how the process has allowed me to end the week on an awesome high! Hopefully there are some great tips you can take on board for your benefit.

Let’s get stuck into some good vibrations, shall we?

Big changes, and how focus on my challenges disrupted my week

Big changes for me are afoot.

In life there comes a time when the powers that be just seem to throw nothing but curve-balls at you, and then there are times when it’s a streak of home runs on your behalf!

That’s the thing. Life is full of personal wins (positive experiences), and frustrating challenges (negative).

I’m sure you can relate.

This week I had a number of life changing events that occurred for me. The thing is, I upon learning of the news, I quickly found ways to turn these ‘little wins’ into ‘oh no, more effort’ thoughts very quickly.

The negative mindset I created was anything but productive.

Here’s the main emotions I experienced.

  • I felt overwhelmed – Action, action, action! After so long pushing for and awaiting an outcome, all I could recognise at the time I received good news was that there was so much more work to do! Momentum was gaining, and it was now time to initiate the next phase. This meant work, and time.
  • I was depressed – So, times are a changing, mostly for the better, but what about all the hardship and sacrifice to get to this point? I found myself surrounded by the disruptive feelings of regret – regret for the choices I made, the actions I took, the people I’d hurt. It was depressing.
  • There was anxiety too – I rode through the feelings of overwhelmed, only to be faced with anxiety. Mental to do lists, fear of the unknown, pressure to perform, expectations to use my golden opportunity to charge forward to my dreams. So much expectation to perform, it fuelled toxic anxious feelings, disrupting my sleep and mental clarity. 

This is just part of my experience with the challenges I faced. These were a very powerful driver of my emotional state, until my girlfriend stopped my in my tracks, and pointed out that life wasn’t bad, I had achieved a lot, and that I was making incremental progress towards my dreams.

She was right, and It got me thinking differently.

It got me thinking of celebration!

Celebrating wins – 3 reasons it’s good to party

1.  Increase your sense of control over what’s important in your life

So, you just kicked a goal.

Great!

Celebrate these incremental steps that you have overcome. It highlights that for all your effort, planning, and persistence, you are the master of your domain.

You are in control of your destiny.

So you left the toilet seat up and you got spanked? Does it really matter? Probably not.

Focus on what matters in your life, and how you are dominating that area. When you focus on what you are achieving, no matter how small, you gain a sense of control and authority which is extremely empowering.

2.  It gives you positive motivation to push forward

You’re running a marathon and you’ve passed the 21km mark (half way). It’s a huge mental challenge, and you find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts of the craziness that your enthusiasm 5 months ago has led to!

Do you decide to a) focus on what’s still to go; or b) celebrate the pavement you’ve just dominated?

Hint: the right answer is b)!

You’ve just completed a half marathon, something most people in the world would never dream of doing! And, you’re still going! Might as well finish the job!

Celebrate the small achievements along the road to you dreams.

There’s lots of distance to cover, and it will seem worthwhile and motivating if you take time to put achievements into perspective.

3.  Reinforce your self worth and nurture your ego

When did thinking negatively and focusing on challenges ahead make you feel like you were a better, stronger, smarter person?

Chances are, never.

It’s important to recognise the good times during your journey and add them to your arsenal of awesomeness.

You can do great, you can achieve. Your only limit, is to what you believe.

This doesn’t mean you need to go overboard and let the whole world know (although, do that if it works for you!). Celebrate your efforts, your result, your achievement.

Celebrate for you.

Doing this will build a better self image to those around you, and will reinforce positive thoughts and behaviours.

TIP: Affirmations can be a great way to actively reinforce your small wins.

 

There’s a party at the end of my week, and I’m invited!

How did I transform my overwhelming, daunting start to the week?

I found my focus by looking at what matters most.

If you find yourself in a similar situation in life – faced with daunting life changes that only seem to create more negative challenges – remember the following 3 reasons to celebrate:

  1. Increase your awareness to the control you have over your thoughts
  2. Recognise wins that led you, and will provide motivation going forward; and
  3. Practice positive reinforcement of these wins to help be a more positive force!

I’m sure you’ll undergo a transformation that will prove a force to be reckoned with.

I know I did 🙂

I appreciate you taking time to read my work. If you like it, please share it with your friends on social media using the buttons below.

The more people I can help, the happier I’ll be.

Here’s to being your best self!

Jason

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10 things I learnt from regret, and why it’s no disappointment to let it go

Personal Development, , , , , ,

Regrets. I have them, and I’m sure you do too.

The feeling of regret is such a strong driver in my life, and in many ways it continues to be destructive.

Why?

Amongst many other things, It’s an incubator of negativity.

I’d like to use this blog post to raise awareness of regret – what it is, how it has impacted my life, and what it has taught me. No matter what walk of life you originate from, I hope you’ll be able to take my experience and try the practice of ‘letting go’ of any regret for yourself.

The freedom is liberating.

What is regret?

I am sure that what regret means to me may be different to you.

My experience leads me to recognise regret as a product of a number of things, which mainly include:

  • the act of being hung up on something
  • to dwell or focus on the past
  • being stuck in a negative thought pattern about a past event
  • unable to let go of a time gone by.

A more official definition of regret is:

“a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors, often expressed by the term “sorry.” Regret is often a feeling of sadness,shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so.”

– Curtesey of Wikipedia

As I was writing this, I noticed a recurring theme. Did you?

Regret is all about the past.

In many ways, regret is an act of focusing on the negative that has been, and not giving yourself the freedom of letting go.

 

How regret has affected me

As I continue to learn about myself and about the way I impact the world around me (I see it as an increase in self awareness), and visa versa, I now see the importance that regret has played in shaping who I am.

Regret has driven me to make impatient decisions, force relationships, feel helpless, feel lonely, fuel desperation, and take impromptu action that has not always worked in my favour.

Like flying a jumbo through a tropical thunderstorm, It’s created an extremely turbulent journey so far.

A real life example

What prompted me to write this post is my current struggle with a previous decision to invest in property.

Without going into details, I began my journey into the Australian property market at age 25, because I felt it was the logical next step in my life.

I had a good job, lived in a nice town, and after a period of spontaneous job changes and crazy adventures overseas, I wanted to prove I was responsible and making progress with my life.

At the time, it’s what I thought was the right thing for me. It’s exactly what I wanted for myself.

Fast forward 3 years, and hindsight is a wondrous (and occasionally annoying) thing.

I now find myself in a changed circumstance, and the decisions I made at that time don’t agree with the new direction I want for myself. A direction that aligns closer with my newly realised values.

I have learnt a lot in the past 3 years, the most important which relates to this example being that I value freedom, and the ability to be spontaneous and mobile.

With my circumstance, I feel I can’t have that.

In comes regret.

As my unsuccessful attempts to sell this property amount, and seemingly take from me the ability to follow this strong calling of freedom, I regularly struggle with emotions of helplessness, anger, frustration, and regret.

It seems that nothing can go my way. The world is against me.

I’m at the mercy of my past decisions, and the regret of making them.

However, what I failed to see for a long time, is where there’s a negative, there’s always a positive.

Indeed, regret has taught me lots.

10 things I have learnt from regret

When I think more about it, regret has taught me a lot about myself and the way I continue to make decisions.

Below are 10 experiences I have encountered on my journey so far.

Maybe you can relate?

  1. The past is just that, the past. What has happened does not mean the future is dependent on it. You can change anything if you want. It may just take time.
  2. Decisions and actions, no matter the outcome, make you stronger.
  3. For all the bad times, there has been many more good times. Celebrate these, and remember them when times get tough.
  4. Things change, and that’s OK. Embrace change and learn from the new challenges you face as a result.
  5. The only person you cheat is yourself. If you believe something needs to be changed, then see to making it happen. 
  6. There is nobody more important than you. If you don’t take care of your best interests, then you’re unable to assist others with theirs.
  7. It’s OK to be wrong. In fact, its perfectly normal (and expected).
  8. There’s no harm in asking. Chances are the hurdle you face has been jumped before. Seek assistance. It makes life easier. You’ll find people love being given the chance to assist you. 
  9. Change takes time. Remind yourself that change is happening during the long stretches. It’s easy to have your vision clouded by negativity.
  10. Nurture your sense of hope, and have faith in your decisions. During your time of change, it’s what will keep you going.

There you have it. One of my many experiences with regret and how it continues to shape me as a person.

I hope you get benefit from the words I have written, and the reflection of one of my current challenges in life.

A key note to take away is that you are in control. 

Physically, this is not always the case (try arguing your case to the bank manager!), and it doesn’t always need to be.

Emotionally, you are in full control.

You can choose how emotions of regret can lead you. I’ve realised that it is far better to choose a positive route over a negative.

How about you?

Yours in inspiration,

Jason

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