Tag Archives: values

The conundrum of comparison – why it’s best to stand on your own two feet

BOOK UPDATE!

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I begin this post reflecting on my recent travel to Bali. As I met fellow travellers or overheard tales of exotic journeys, lavish accommodations, and tales of endless exciting locations to explore, I found myself attempting to match (or go one better) their stories with my own, since I didn’t want to feel insignificant or be left out.

I was comparing myself to others.

Now, as I adjust to life back in Australia, I notice that this doesn’t just apply to travel. I observe many others, and find myself on the odd occasion, falling into the trap of the destructive tendency to compare with others. It seems I’m not alone in this observation, as I recently received an email update from Leo Babauta with his post on comparison.

Yes, comparison is a conundrum that affects the best of us.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the old saying “it’s like comparing apples with oranges”. Think about it. You can’t. They’re two totally different fruits. It just doesn’t work, so how can we compare ourselves to other, totally different, and wonderfully unique people?

You can’t. Logically, we all know that. Let the apple and the orange be a prime example of this.

Why do we continue to compare to others, and why is it a good habit to learn the art of inner contentment?

Why we dare to compare

Comparison is a useful tool. We use it in our daily lives to assist in assessment of our options, and with great affect. After all, how do we know if we’re getting the best deal on peanut butter unless we have something else to compare to?

Peanut butter references aside, comparison is a tool used daily by each and every one of us – in both a positive and a negative sense.

Used to evaluate material objects (such as peanut butter), comparison can be of benefit and enable us to make a decision and move forward, rather than procrastinate and become stuck.

It’s when comparison is used on an emotional level that things can go pear-shaped, and it’s this form of comparison which I shall cover more in this post.

In the past, I have found myself using comparison in the following ways:

Social status/ranking – In the instance of travel, it’s easy to listen to other tales of exciting travels and become jealous, envious, and resentful towards the other person. I have experienced this first hand many times. The person storytelling has done nothing wrong, yet I found myself breeding resentment and negativity which was fuelled by jealousy of their tales! I would hence feel obliged to intercept their tale and begin my own story, attempting to gain admiration and respect of others in the group and the person with whom my conversation was centred. Those of you who’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People will know that behaviour such as this is no way to go about it. Rather than curing myself of my discontentment, my rude interruption and generation of competition will likely create resentment, anger, disinterest, and a loss of respect from the person I’m conversing with. Comparison is a conversation killer – everyone appreciates a listening ear, and nobody likes being interrupted. Talking over others and stealing conversation isn’t polite. That’s a universal fact.
Feeling of importance – Similar to obtaining a higher status in a social circle, comparison can easily be used to generate an air of importance about yourself when, in truth, there’s nothing (and nobody) you are able to compare to. Sill, we try, fail, and try again – it’s what we’re trained to do by pop culture and media. Images of beautiful models, ripped abdominals, and fast, luxurious cars – these are all enticing us to want more, to dream more, and to compare with what we don’t have. Yes, it’s important to dream big and reach for the stars, as it’s how we grow. However, it’s also wise to recognize that your dreams are not the dreams of others. Build dreams around you and what you desire and what you aspire to. There’s no need to aspire to be the next Brad Pitt. Your journey will generate negativity and resentment of yourself if you do, since you will struggle to model this ideal picture of yourself (which by the way is not real, but rather a an image portrayed by the media).
Make ourselves feel better – Sometimes, there is no better reason to compare to others, other than to make us feel better. Ever get bullied when you were younger? Chances are the bully was trying to prove something. He (or she) was trying to make you feel insignificant by making a comparison of your (over-animated) situation to either themselves or another popular, significant figure at the time (e.g. the popular student). This can be used in the most peculiar ways. For instance, I remember being bullied when I was young for being ‘rich’, because I received a motorcycle for Christmas. This was upsetting for me, as my family was nothing of the sort, and I didn’t think highly of the label ‘rich’ at the time. The bully was getting the upper hand by using a comparison fuelled by jealousy. Did he feel better for doing so? Unlikely, especially in the long term.

In all situations, there’s no advantage in making comparison to others. It’s a dangerous game – one that will see you lose more than you ever thought you could gain.

Stand tall – how to avoid comparison cutting you short

Comparison is everywhere. It’s both useful and harmful to our being, depending on how you use it.

How can you step aside and control the urge to compare?

Practice active listening – Stop, appreciate, and recognize it’s not yet your turn. Got constructive feedback? Mid conversation isn’t the right time. Practice the habit of waiting until the speaker has finished. This will give you time to think over your well-scripted response to the person whom your attention is devoted, and will allow the complete transmittal of facts that you otherwise would have interrupted. I’m guilty for finishing the sentences of those I listen to, as I assume I know the answer to the topic which is spoken. Quite often, I’m proven wrong. It’s annoying to be interrupted, and the same goes for instances of comparison to others in conversation. Whether it be a direct interruption or a change of direction in the conversation, the result is the same. Learn to sit and listen to the whole story before telling yours.
Get curious – Recognize and note the wisdom you’re blessed to be hearing! If jealousy or resentment begin to rear their ugly heads, take a breath and remember to appreciate the time this person is taking to provide you with valuable knowledge you didn’t know before. Open your mind to the possibility that your attention to this person may lead to a higher understanding, new knowledge, and new friendships that excel your journey forward on new and exciting paths. There’s growth to be found in the journeys of others, not in the comparison with your own. Use the knowledge and apply it if it fits.
Recognise you’re on another journey – Everywhere you look, it’s possible to encounter something bigger, something better, something more. Your best friend buys your dream car. Your younger sibling marries and has children before you do. Your Facebook feed is rich with vagabonding travellers’ tales. The instances to make comparison are endless, and it’s easy to find yourself wanting the join the journey of others. If that’s the case, step back and ask yourself if it’s really what you want, or is it what you’re expected to want. It’s easy to become wrapped up in pressures society has constructed – you know, the whole get educated, get a job, get married, have kids, buy a house…. – and lose track of who you are and what you value most. Put these feelings of lust aside and remind yourself of the unique and wonderfully you journey that you’ve created for yourself.

Above all, it’s best to appreciate and be thankful for the exposure to the new and interesting ideas which have graced your awareness, and which you may use to shape your own future. Acknowledge, store the useful stuff, dispel lingering thoughts, then focus on the here and now. Dwelling on instantaneous emotions and future desires fuelled by comparison is counterproductive to your being, so take note and move on swiftly.

There’s bigger fish to fry.

I write here about comparison since it has affected, and continues to affect my life (much less nowadays thankfully) on a regular basis. As I pursue a path less travelled with my passion by writing to you here, it’s easy to be ridiculed by others close to you, and yearn for a stable career with an income to support a comfortable life. After realizing my values and working more on my passion, I now know it’s not what I want, so mu strength to fight against comparison is much stronger.

Have you been affected by comparison? How have you tackled it? Let me know in the comments below!

Thanks for reading my work. I apologize it has been so long between posts. My recovery from travel and some unforeseen personal matters created a slight bum in my progress, but I’m getting back on track now!

Remember, if you like what you read here, please share with your friends on social media. The more people I can inspire, the happier I’ll be.

Until next time, be mindful…

Jason

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How to let go of the perfectionist and love your perfect imperfections

This beautiful song by John Legend resonates strongly within my heart.

His powerful words “love your perfect imperfections” are such a valuable concept that can be applied to your loved ones, and directly to the love for yourself and your ability to grow.

As I reflect on some wonderful comments from my previous post on practicing mindful habits, I notice an air of anxiety, generated from the overwhelming prospect of additional tasks in our already busy lives.

I get it. I’ve been there too. It was a time not too long ago when I would work hard to control my already hectic schedule, and face the daunting task of perfecting the activities to meet my high standard. There was little room for negotiation, no energy for variation, and as such, limited space for personal growth.

I was a perfectionist.

Since spending time on myself, and looking at ways I could be better, I noticed that perfectionism – rather than being an advantageous trait as I previously thought – was hampering my ability to become better.

To be perfect is to arrive at the final destination. There is no value in perfect, as there is no room for improvement. Improvement requires knowledge, knowledge requires learning, to learn is to grow, growing is living……

I would spend hours cleaning my car every week to ensure a perfect clean.

Meals were prepared according to recipes to ensure quality.

University studies were completed with many iterations and hours of formatting.

My gym routine remained unchanged until I reached the magic goal I had dreamed.

Perfectionism was carving a rut in my road to self improvement.

Over time, I developed an awareness of my ways, and worked on ways to become better. Here’s what I found out…..

How to overcome perfectionism and love your imperfections

Step 1. Recognise the habit

Perfectionism is a well ingrained habit, that’s all.

Maybe I was born with high standards, maybe I learnt from my parents, maybe it was my surroundings. In the end, it’s a way of being I adopted which suited my lifestyle at the time. Perfectionism is a habit which provided security and gave me purpose. That’s no longer the case.

The good news is, habits can be changed.

It takes approximately 30 days of continual practice to build new habits, which seems a long time. Don’t dwell on this. Time passes quickly. Focus on incremental improvements each and every day. Track your progress on a calendar if necessary, so you can see your improvement.

Stop, smell the roses, and recognise the habit of perfectionism as it arises.

Step 2. Breathe

Before doing anything else, just breathe.

Take time to stop and just be in the moment. Giving yourself space before going any further will only elevate your ability to decide and take action.

Step 3. Remind yourself there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’

It’s very easy to turn to others or consult a resource to determine if your future actions are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Truth is, that’s why we do it.

Labelling as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ is easy.

The greater truth lies in looking beyond these labels. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in life, only what makes you feel good, and not.

This will be heavily dependent on your values and beliefs of course, which is exactly why the decision or action you are about to undertake is an experience unique to you.

Remind yourself that you’re aiming for an outcome that works for you, not what society has labelled as ‘right’.

Step 4. Ask yourself if the effort is worth the reward

Before coming to a final decision, it’s valuable to consider your options in light of their effectiveness.

You can easily do ineffective tasks productively (check email, social media posting, watching television etc.), so be wary of decisions that lead to quick feelings of productivity. Instead, ask if the effort of the undertaking is paving way for a reward of equal or greater value.

Align what you do with what you want to achieve.

Make it easier by choosing the path of least resistance to arrive more effectively.

Step 5. Commit to completion

Once you’ve figured out what to do, just get on with it!

Stop second-guessing your motives and speculating failure. Take your ideas and run with them in either of these two directions:

Toward completion – finishing the task and moving forward to new challenges; or
Straight for the eject button – if the idea doesn’t work or doesn’t make you feel good, just drop it. Stop wasting time dwelling on low-value tasks in favour of those that have a greater potential for your growth.

Remember, there is immense value in practicing the art of giving up. If an idea doesn’t work while you are attempting it, or is likely to cause disruption to your progress, commit to dropping it and move on. There’s progress to be made elsewhere.

Step 6. Congratulate yourself

You made it!

You’ve done the hard work, so now it’s time to positively reinforce yourself for breaking through perfectionism and getting important stuff done.

Reflect, socialise, exercise – whatever takes your fancy. Just be sure to devote time for recognition of the hard-fought battle against your perfectionist ways. You’ll get motivated to do even better next time.

When the going gets tough and you find you’re at a stand-still, embrace imperfections! Not everything needs to meet a high standard. In many cases, it’s more important to get things done and move on – learning, growing, and progressing toward your goals. If you’re stuck, you now have 6 simple steps to help you out:

Step 1. Recognise the habit
Step 2. Breathe
Step 3. Remind yourself there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’
Step 4. Ask is the effort worth the reward
Step 5. Commit to completion
Step 6. Congratulate yourself.

Go forth and conquer!

Have you ever struggled with perfectionism? How have you overcome it? Please share in the comments below 🙂

Thanks for reading my work.

Like it? Please share with your friends on social media. The more people I can inspire, the happier I’ll be.

Until next time…..

Yours in inspiration,

Jason

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Does the meaning of life seem lost? Values are your roadmap – Here’s 3 ways to find them

July 16, 2014Personal Developmentmindfulness, personal development, self awareness, valuesJason Townsend

Has there been a time in your life where what you did made you feel uncomfortable? Was there a deep sense of wrong doing as a result?

Have you just felt like you were lost?

Chances are that you were acting against your values.

I decided to write this post as I recently felt this sense of ‘wrong doing’, and wanted to share with you the importance I see of being true to your values, and to yourself.

It’s been an interesting journey I’ve taken in recent years, and I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t have a clear understanding of the concept of ‘values’, what they were, or how important they were in defining who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I stood for as an individual. Now I know.

Values are like signs on a road trip.

Values are there to guide you, to keep you on course as you navigate the adventure of life.

I’m going to use this blog post to discuss the concept of values and how important they are to your positive growth, and 3 ways you can use to find out what they are. I hope that with this new found awareness you’ll be able to start kicking harder, reaching higher, or looking in a previously unused cupboard which keeps the cookies you desire…….

Let’s do it!

What are values?

As I mentioned, values are like personal indicators that drive you to take certain action.

Personal values provide an internal reference for what is good, beneficial, important, useful, beautiful, desirable, constructive, etc. Values generate behaviour and help solve common human problems for survival by comparative rankings of value, the results of which provide answers to questions of why people do what they do and in what order they choose to do them.

~ Wikipedia

Values are there to drive us to unique, agreeable action. Action that aligns with our personality.

So that’s what values do, but what exactly are they?

Well, values are words. Descriptive words to be precise.

They’re words that you use to represent the desirable qualities, traits, morals and ideals that make you, you.

For example, here are some possible values you could adopt as your own:

This list in far from exhaustive. Use it as guidance as you read further and attempt to explore your own personal values in future 🙂

I’m confident you will. Here’s why…….

Why are values important?

The importance of values goes deeper than just fancy adjectives….

Values are used to provide consistency.

Let me explain.

Let’s say you go to a new hairdresser. The business you’ve found is clean, the patrons are friendly, and you receive an excellent cut. You can tell the hairdresser has a keen eye for detail, and the hour it took indicates that your hair was taken care of. You leave a very happy customer, and vow to return again in future.

You return to find the same stylist that tends your hair, but there is something lacking in the quality compared to last time. You aren’t offered a complimentary coffee, and the floors clearly have yet to be swept for the day. You are rushed through a cut and feel as though you were an interruption to their busy schedule. Strange you think, but you are adamant that you’ll give them another chance and it’ll be better next time.

On your third visit, you are informed of a price increase to account for rising overhead costs, and the stylist you normally have decided to move interstate. What initially attracted you to the place has dissolved. The experience has changed. You will not be back.

Notice what was lacking?

Consistency in experience.

Have a think. I’m sure there are many instances, not just hairdressing, where you act upon the expectation of consistency in an experience.

If your actions, words, thoughts, emotions are inconsistent, you find yourself in a state of confusion. Progression is slow, and resistance to that which is unknown is, well, impossible.

You need to define yourself in order to navigate the waters of your choosing.

Values be your tool.

How do you find your values?

Chances are you already know your values. You just aren’t aware yet.

That’s the trick.

Self-awareness.

Realizing your values is a result of the self-awareness process.

Depending on the level of self-awareness, most of us won’t have ‘categorised’ our ways into values before. We simply act upon them without recognising what they are.

Besides being a tool to determine your values, self-awareness is valuable on many levels.

Research shows that successful people share the common trait of self-awareness.

They spend time listening to their inner being, and realizing who they really are outside of external influence.

In fact, people who are self-aware are generally:

able to find ways of achieving objectives that fit their personality
understand their limitations and where they are not effective
more likely to pursue the right opportunities, in the right way, at the right time, and get the results they desire.

So, becoming self-aware and present to your personal values has the ability to boost the quality of your life.

How do you find out what they are?

There are a number of ways, including the following.

1. Create a list of your activities and dreams

What do you get up to in your spare time? What do you do for work? Do you have hobbies, interests, dreams and desires? Sure you do.

Write them down.

These ‘snippets’ of your life are valuable pieces which highlight what you gravitate towards.

Love hiking in the forest? Chances are you value your environment.

Love your teaching job? A big part of that is likely your desire to give back or contribute.

Take your time. Write a list, keep it close, and visit it frequently.

Although your values seem like they wouldn’t change, they will. You’ll find that they’ll change as much as you do, so don’t be afraid to edit the list.

A values list isn’t concrete.

Concrete is solid, but it only lasts a certain time before it’s replaced. That’s because concrete is only as solid as the foundation it’s built on.

Values are a bit like concrete.

Some of your values will stay, some will need to be replaced. It depends how ‘solid’ they are.

Be free. Explore and modify as you feel, until your foundations are strong.

2. Take a test

If you’re scientifically minded like me, I’m sure you’d be interested in a tool that helps you out.

The good news is there are plenty out there on the web – some free, some not – with varying degrees of effectiveness.

This free test by Anthony Robbins is extremely comprehensive. It’s a one-stop-shop and uses the personality profiling principals of DISC to provide insights into your personality and the values that compliment it.

I found it extremely good as an introduction to the value finding process. It provides good explanation and background into the theory, psychology, and how the information can be used effectively.

This is not the only one. Try taking a look on Google for more resources.

3. Shake up your routine, and travel!

What’s a better way to ‘discover yourself’ than to spend quality time doing what you really love to do?

Travel can provide clarity, time, and space for self-awareness to evolve, if done the right way.

I recommend travel for a period of 2 – 3 months.

It takes 30 days (1 month) to successfully build habits and a solid routine, and even longer to break them.

I’ve embarked on 2 such journeys – 6 months in Europe and 2 months in Asia – and found the ideal time to be around 3 months for me. If you’re in a situation to just ‘run with it’ and travel for as long as you feel, that’s perfect.

In any case, start with a minimum of 1 month. Any less will be a waste of your time as you continue to follow habits, processes, and engrained ways of being to survive in a foreign land.

In order to truly find yourself, you need to get uncomfortable, then have enough time to determine how to get comfortable again in your new environment.

Leave what you have been ‘trained’ to do in your everyday life (due to necessity, convenience, or for lack of a better means). Explore yourself and the world at the same time.

It’s a challenging, liberating, rewarding, and enlightening experience.

There you have it. If you’re feeling a bit lost in life, you’ve got a place to start.

When feeling lost, turn to your values.

Try one of my 3 methods of discovery – documenting your life, official tests, and travel – to make your own list and start using it as a reference.

In your darker times (of which you will certainly come across), turn to these and alter your path according to their guidance. Use them and have faith that your resulting actions have a greater chance of leading you down the right path, rather than around in circles.

How’d you go? Have you made your list yet? Did you already have a list and decide to refine it, creating a new, firmer foundation? I’d love to hear your thoughts and what direction you’re choosing to take as a result of awareness to your values. Get in touch!

I appreciate you taking time to read my work. If you like it, please share it with your friends on social media.

The more people I can inspire, the happier I’ll be.

Yours in inspiration,

Jason